It is often easier in marriage and in life to blame others and yet the small changes we make on ourselves can have a bigger impact than you might imagine.
Married life, family life can be hard and in time as we start to view our spouse as part of us, we expect them to understand, to put themselves at the bottom of the importance pile, right next to us.
This definitely happened in my marriage. My late husband and I found it particularly hard to get time together as the children got older and bedtime got later. The busy routine of family life with three children, both of us working and trying to run a home meant that we rarely had time to reconnect and remember who we were. I lost myself, I put everything and everyone else’s needs above my own and my husband came to the bottom with me.
We gradually lost each other…
I have been given a second chance and as my fiancée and I take the steps to forming a new family unit, I try to reflect on the things I can do to make the joyful, solid marriage we both want and deserve.
One of my favourite roles as head of Boutique Housekeeping, is when a family, usually the lady of the house, brings me into her home to help identify ways to make home life run more smoothly. We have many options, and this can be by creating systems, organising, decluttering, tidying and bringing in regular housekeeping help or one of our house managers.
As we start to talk and think about what a great home life would look to her and go through each room discussing the issues, we make a plan. That plan will always start with the things she has direct control over first. I look around my kitchen now and it’s my things that clutter up the worktop. Recipe cards I might need one day, paperwork, glasses, a jumper, coins and bits and bobs that get dumped… but it is so much easier to see the things the children have left and get mad at them? My kids pull me up on this now and it’s become a family joke but they do understand and try their best!
So let’s start to take ownership for the things we can control… we can change our headspace, change our living space and maybe make ourselves easier to be around.
So back to my messy kitchen, I’ve tidied up, worked out why some of the things have been dumped on the worksurface, maybe they don’t have a home and I need to create one, maybe I just didn’t need them and now things look a whole lot better. Most importantly, I feel better. Now it’s easier for the kids to clean up after they made a sandwich, I can find my glasses and my jumper has been put away so it doesn't get random things spilled on it. By moving my things, I have saved myself quite a few moments of stress, that over time add up to resentment and sometimes despair.
This idea then flows into other areas of your life. What other small things can you change and prioritise rather than blaming others? Over many years of working in homes here’s some secret marriage tips that I have witnessed:
6 Tips for a happy marriage:
Put your marriage first. Find the time to create an oasis of calm whenever you can, even if it’s a 5 minute cup of tea together, a hand around your wife’s waist as you pass, or a quick hug in the morning before you leap out of bed.
Keep the vision of your future life in your mind. This time will pass. Everything passes. What do you really want your life to look like in ten years’ time? Who do you need to become to make that happen?
Think about the language you use. Could a “terrible day” become an “interesting day”? Could “this house is a tip!” become “We’ve got some work to do here!” Could “she has no time for me” become “she looks exhausted, I am too. I wonder how we can make things better?”
Create routines. Our minds will have hundreds of decisions to make every single day. Remember the school timetable? We didn’t have to decide what time to go to Geography or eat lunch or when to take a break. The habits we form are what makes us. So if your morning routine is to get up at 6, take some exercise, eat a healthy breakfast, tidy the kitchen, make your bed and get the kids up at 7 to follow suit… your brain can go with the flow, no decisions to be made and already your day has got off to a great start!
Look after your future self. Don’t put off emptying the bin, doing the ironing, getting the dishwasher fixed. These small tasks will become bigger and more annoying. Tidy up as you go, empty the bin before it overflows and smells, iron that shirt before you need it for a meeting.
Be clear on your expectations. The people around us are not mind readers. Avoid becoming a martyr, it isn’t fun for anyone. Everyone that lives in your home has a responsibility to keep it tidy and working well and if you can all work together it will make for a happier home.
Small steps day by day…
I wish you well and a very happy marriage
Caroline
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